TF2 Blows, Here's Why: Not enough haute cuisine!

15 years ago

So much controversy in this little league of ours, and all of it surrounds the weapon unlocks. Should we go vanilla or should we not? Do we create our own league or do we stick with this one which we despise? Do we struggle for the rest of our professional gaming lives or do we TAKE CHARGE and MAKE IT HAPPEN?

You fucking retards, you quit caring because it’s a video game. You put enough time into this shit that you should already feel ashamed; you should already be cursing yourself every time you load the game up and join a server, ready to complain about the FaN and Jarate until the map ends and you can go drink shitty Scandinavian beer during the break. Imagine yourself in five years – imagine the future version of you kicking yourself in the testicles and telling you “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY WOMEN WE COULD HAVE HAD SEX WITH IN 2009?!” Obviously, the numbers are a little smaller if you’re m0re and a little larger if you’re Anderson, but still – even the big dudes can pull some tail with the right attitude and fashion.

You are sitting here complaining about this video game. Do you know what you could do instead? You could make CANARD SAUVAGE. And I, tf2chef, am going to teach you how!

First, you will need: two medium-sized pots, a wooden spoon, a strainer, a medium-sized bowl, tongs, small sauté pan, slicing knife, gooseneck. If you are at ALL a competent home cook, you will already have these things! That’s the beauty of it, you faggots. That’s why it’s so easy to find better outlets for your competitive fuel. COOK A BETTER DUCK THAN THE MOTHERUCKER NEXT DOOR.

For ingredients, pick up: 1 tablespoon of olive oil, 2 wild ducks (1.1kg each, breasts removed, skin intact, legs with thighs removed, bones cut into large pieces, innards reserved), 2 small leeks and 3 shallots (both chopped finely), 4 tablespoons of butter, half a cup AND 2 tablespoons of Calvados (APPLE BRANDY! It’s ALCOHOL you fucking drunkards!), 2 cups of dark chicken stock, 1 bouquet garni (just fucking buy this from a local store, it’s a bunch of herbs tied together to make stock and I don’t really feel like lecturing you wastes on what makes tarragon fresh), 1 tablespoon of flour, some salt and pepper for seasoning, 2 tablespoons of cider vinegar, and a duck liver which you run through a blender until it’s liquid.

This recipe serves four; fuck around with the numbers and you can make a dish for your whole clan. Of course, there’s only one clan in ETF2L who can tolerate each other long enough to actually meet in real life and I don’t think morf is going to be cooking up wild duck any time soon.

FIRST, you gotta make the duck stock, duder. It’s all about the stock, every recipe you ever make, is about the stock. Take one of your pots and TAKE IT OFF OF YOUR FUCKING HEAD you worthless child, jesus christ, I thought Europeans were supposed to be mature. Put in that olive oil, heat that bitch up on HIGH. Give it a bit and throw in the duck bones, brown those sons of bitches right up. Add your leeks, YOU REMEMBERED TO CHOP THEM DIDN’T YOU, and all but one of the shallots (I’M TESTING YOU – HOW MANY SHALLOTS IS THIS). Drop the heat down to medium-high, stir every once in a while, and once the vegetables become caramelized (their color will be dark brown at this point). DO NOT let them scorch, IF YOU LET THEM SCORCH the shit is RUINED. Butter can avoid this a bit, and also help if the veggies stick to the pan.

Stir in the Calvados if you didn’t already drink the entire bottle in an effort to get plastered. Luckily you’re a fucking alcoholic so a bottle doesn’t do shit to you and you’re just sitting there alone with overcooked shallots, an empty bottle of Apple Brandy, and sorrow in your heart, fatty. You gotta scrape the pan when you drop this shit in, making sure absolutely nothing is sticking. Reduce the liquid (this means you COOK IT AT HIGH TEMPERATURE UNTIL IT IS NEARLY GONE holy shit how does liquid disappear?!?! EVAPORATION BITCH) and throw in your chicken stock. Drop the heat to low, cook for an hour, ONE HOUR, SIXTY MINUTES, the length of time it will take you to pull your pud for the ninth time today. Pull out your strainer and strain the stock into your bowl, getting rid of the rest of the trash (all the bones and shit! Nobody eats bones, you are not a dog).

Now you have to braise your duck legs. Braising is just cooking in liquid! So what you do is you season the duck legs with salt and pepper (adjusting the amount of each to your own personal taste but for the love of God if you can taste the salt and pepper at the end you’re a fucking retard and you did it wrong). Take your second pot, the clean one that doesn’t have bone goop festering in the bottom, and put that tablespoon of butter you got sitting around in a fancy dish with chubby bears on it (forgot to put this in the requirements but if you don’t have a chubby bear dish, you’re going to get ecoli). Brown the duck legs in the butter, MAKE SURE YOU FUCKIN’ TURN ‘EM WITH THE TONGS (not your fingers you stupid bitch, nobody wants to tell someone they got burned because they tried to molest a warm duck). Put the legs on a plate once they’re browned all nice and good and put them aside. Throw the remaining shallots (HOW MUCH IS LEFT I BET YOU DON’T EVEN /KNOW/) in the pot along with the duck’s heart and gizzards (NO YOU ARE NOT EATING DUCK BALLS THAT IS NOT WHAT GIZZARD MEANS it means its intestinal tract hahahaha fuck you faggot you’re eating POOP).

Cook the above concoction on medium heat until caramelized (DARK BROWN like the poop inside the duck’s intestines you’re about to chow down on), and A B S a.b.s. ALWAYS be stirring. Throw in your flour and set your timer to two minutes, then once it’s done drop in the cider vinegar and say BAM just like Emeril Lagasse. BAM. BAM. BAM. You are not Emeril Lagasse, stop it. Reduce over HIGH heat until the vinegar ISN’T EVEN THERE holy SHIT what do you mean I spent good money on that who stole it. Drop the legs in the pot now, add the duck stock you’ve had sitting off to the side, bring it to a boil and then reduce to a simmer. Let it simmer for another hour or until the legs are very tender (not like you fags will know what a leg feels like and whether or not it’s tender. Fucking virgins).

LOL speaking of virgins now you have to handle the breasts hahahaha don’t blow your load all over the duck I bet your mom won’t like its taste too much then. Okay so season them, just like you did the legs, take out your sauté pan and heat up one tablespoon of butter in it until it FOAMS and SUBSIDES that means the foam GOES AWAY. Add the breasts, SKIN SIDE DOWN, God fucking help you if you can see the skin when it’s cooking, and cook it for three minutes. TURN ‘EM OVER for fuck’s sake and do another two on the fleshy bits. Take them out, put ’em on a plate and let ’em sit there while your cat licks them and you don’t notice or care because you already kiss your cat on the mouth anyway, furry. Stir the rest of the Calvados into the pan, reduce by half, and then strain this in with the liquid from your duck-braising. YOU GOT ALL THAT?

WE’RE SO CLOSE TO THE END, DUDE, soon you can one-bite this whole thing and hopefully choke to death on it, asphyxia is a bitch. Take the legs, the gizzards, the hearts out of the braising liquid and put them on a nice little platter to serve it. Slice the breasts as thin as you can, and arrange them alongside the legs in a fancy pattern so that people think you’re more than a fat guy – you’re a fat guy with STYLE (They still won’t fuck you though). Bring the braising juice up to a boil, check your seasoning, whisk in the last tablespoon of butter. Pull it off the heat and whisk in that lovely little liver that’s completely gooey right now (FUCKING LOVE IT). Pour some of the sauce on your duck, but if you cover it in the sauce and your mom’s chewing on some soggy fucking duck, she will slit your throat in your sleep and not even care. Serve that shit in a gooseneck. BLA-ZAOW.

You know why D2M is the head admin of ETF2L? Motherfucker makes the perfect canard sauvage, shit is medium rare and tender as all hell, and you can’t even tell you’re sucking on the organs. You probably eat cereal ever night. Fucking worthless.

Peace,
tf2chef